Forever in medschool

Medschool. Depression. Motivation.

I am a second year irregular student from the Philippines. I immediately started medschool just as soon as I graduated. I was a Psychology graduate an I knew that since I had a poor science background, that I would need to exert more effort than all my science major classmates. I knew nothing about the complexities of human anatomy. I knew it’s parts but that wasn’t even close to what I needed to know in order for me to be a doctor. I had a hard time adjusting. And I wanted to blame it on my college degree but all it ever was, was me. It was MY fault. I slacked off. I went out with my friends and while they knew to study afterwards, I did not. First year med and already, I could see how much of a failure I was going to be. I transferred schools and re-did my first year. It wasn’t an easy thing to do. All the confidence I tried building up was so hard to put out into the world. I was embarrassed, to say the least. I had to re-learn everything I already studied the previous year. With different sets of people and doctors and a new environment. It was even more embarrassing that everything that I was supposed to be re-learning seemed like new shit to me. It made me think about my abilities and if I could still do this or if I’m cut out for this kind of field. I wanted nothing more than to be a doctor but somehow, the energy and effort I was putting out wasn’t enough. I wasn’t motivated enough maybe. I feel like a bad person for having to let my family pay for school and then see me fail the way I do. That should’ve been a good trigger for me to do well. But why wasn’t I doing more? I could never really understand. It wasn’t because I don’t want to be here. I keep doubting myself. I feel low and stupid and all over the place.

I re-did my first year and having been studying the same crap for 2years now, I figured that I’d pass somehow. But I failed Histology and it took a while for me to accept that it was okay. Even though, it really wasn’t. I had a plan, just like any medical student. I was delayed for a year and that was okay. But I failed and was going to be delayed for another year. That was beyond okay but I got over it and kept telling myself that I’d finally get it right this time. 

Enter second year, I was an irregular student. I had Histology and I was allowed to take minor second year subjects. (Psych, Family Medicine and Parasitology) I passed Psych (duh) and Family Med the first semester. I was doing well with Histology. My practicals were kind of awesome although my theoreticals could do a little better, I went on to second semester. I’m having Parasitology and Histo now. This brings us back to date.

Finals are coming up. We had our practical exams for Parasitology a while ago and I stayed up really late for it. And when I was peeking through the microscopes, I recognized those structures but somehow could not name them. I felt low. I was embarrassed. I knew it was hard for everyone else too but I feel like I was the only one who blacked out like that. And my adviser told me that I would need atleast 80% to pass Histology without taking remedial classes. But my parasitology class isn’t looking good. I even missed 2 shifting exams. 

I am doubting myself again and I don’t want to. I’ve just regained back all the confidence I lost the past years. Now they’re back. They’re creeping in like little fuckers and I’m trying my ABSOLUTE BEST to fight off these demons.

I am going to be a doctor, one way or another. I’m not going to let anything get in my way. Not even me. 

Sabi nga ni Sara Bareilles, “I’ll be alright, just not tonight.”